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I want to write to impress, but have nothing of consequence to say.
I have no grand insights, witty reflections, or words to set the heart singing. I am in an odd sort of mood, the kind of mood that walks the line between restlessness and ease. Nothing is insanely wrong, but there is an unnamed pang in my chest that feels like longing. Or reaching. Or something. I am not totally dissatisfied, I am not wholly complete. I want to travel to a new land with strange and beautiful smells, I want to sit at home with a good pinot and lose myself in a novel. I want to get up early to watch the sunrise, I want to sleep in and let the world begin without me. I feel no weight of depression, but euphoria floats elusive and teasing above me.
It’s like a stale peace. It was good two days ago, but started to turn yesterday. Something is amiss, I am not where I ought to be. Or I am exactly where I ought to be, but don’t have the eyes to see it.
I was never good with ambiguity; but, in this season of life, I seem to have it in spades. Whether this is due to a lack of initiative on my end or just the perk of being in your twenties, I don’t know. I seem to be saying that more often than not, “I don’t know.” I don’t know if I want to pursue grad school, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I don’t know where I want to be this time next year, I don’t even know what I want to do tomorrow. Go to the beach. There is a high possibility I will most likely go to the beach. At some point. Watching the water is a small kind of comfort; fluid movement that is never quite the same but somewhat predictable. Fluid form. Creativity and structure – see, it’s possible.
Back to ambiguity. Some have told me to embrace it, that it is the ‘luxury of being young.’ I’m not sure if I would necessarily call this persistent unknowing a luxury. Makes it rather difficult to move ahead at times. But there is a thrill. The thrill of making the right or wrong choice (if there truly is a ‘wrong’ in this experience). The thrill of choosing. The weight of choosing. I have decided that I am laying the foundation for the rest of my days in these years, these glorious twenties. I am building character that will free or fail me, and only time will make that clear.