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Wandering reflection

I forgot how rosy the sky got here around sunset. The bay area has a beauty of its own, nothing like Maui, but beautiful nonetheless. Riding through neighborhoods on a borrowed bike, I took in the trees, my anticipation for fall welling up in my chest. I’m an island girl at heart, but I do love that crunchy cold weather. I love rainy days that justify my obsession for warm caffeinated beverages and my desire to read or write for hours.

I biked over to a café I used to work for and sat there in a surreal mood, seeing ghosts everywhere. So many conversations and emotions were spilled across this wire table, so many breaks were enjoyed on this bench. Memories flashed:

clothes that permanently smelled of coffee

roses in windshields

needy splenda customers

three-hour rushes

heartache and anger

hipsters and starving artists

pastry trays assembled before dawn

scalded skin from boiling water

I realized how loaded this area is for me. As excited as I am for a new beginning, five years of life color every corner of this place, and I’m not sure what to do with all that. It’s a matter of identity I think. At Stanford I was a student. After graduating, I was a child-aide then barista. I know how to play those roles here, but I’m not that person anymore. I’ve got a new dream, a new direction, and new memories to imprint on this area.

I’m not sure what the big deal is, why I feel so haunted here. It’s not as if all the memories are bad, though there were some difficult and formative seasons spent in this place. I suppose I’m trying to have a fresh start, but that’s impossible in a place I’ve invested years of my history in. To be honest, I did not like myself the last time I lived here. Aimless and without a rudder, I grasped desperately at anything to make me happy – leading to some poor choices. No regrets, I love where I am today. But I take no pride in the legacy I left here, and that is a humbling realization.

Instead of a new start, I guess this is simply a continuation, and a chance to write a better ending.

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One comment on “Wandering reflection

  1. Donn
    September 16, 2013

    Your conclusion certainly makes sense to me.

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This entry was posted on September 16, 2013 by in Uncategorized.
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