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We talk a lot about giving. Sacrifice. Selflessness. I’m not saying we do it well, but we praise the act of giving like it’s the last step to sainthood. Giving is good; I’m not going to argue that point.
However, as I lay here, basically a helpless puddle of back and nerve pain, I’ve realized that I’m not very good at receiving.
Currently I can’t walk upright, and at times the back spasms are so bad I start cussing like a truck driver, or far worse I’ll actually cry. I can’t drive, I can’t work, and yesterday a 70 year old woman shot me a look of pity as she beat me up the stairs. Hell, I can’t even sit still as I write this.
All that to say, I’ve needed a lot of help lately, and that has been the most difficult part of this experience.
I don’t like it. I don’t like relying on others. I don’t like being a burden. I don’t like being weak.
I. Don’t. Like. Receiving. Help.
It makes me feel all small and vulnerable and dependent. Not to mention on some level I don’t feel worthy of unmerited love – no one likes to be a charity case. But I really have no choice at the moment. So I decided I’m going to try to receive gracefully. I’m going to ask for help and strength from others because I just don’t have enough right now. And that’s okay.
This is part self-revelation and part shout out to my friends. My amazing, relentless, supportive friends who have covered my shifts at work, bought me groceries, driven me around, got me coke slurpees. Thank you for being my family. Thank you for giving with such generosity, thank you for helping me learn one of the hardest lessons life can teach: receive and be loved.